


Fic:  Walls

by wildcat88



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-23
Updated: 2007-07-23
Packaged: 2017-10-11 14:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/113156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildcat88/pseuds/wildcat88





	Fic:  Walls

McKay woke in a cold sweat, his heart pounding, and the explosion still ringing in his ears. He reached full-blown panic mode as his eyes scanned the unfamiliar room until his memory returned. He closed his eyes as he tried to not hyperventilate. Knowing he'd never get back to sleep, he sat up and swung his legs off the side of the bed, stumbling toward the bathroom for a glass of water.

 

He squinted at the brightness as he switched on the light. He took a long drink and splashed some of it on his face in an attempt to remove the sandpaper from his bloodshot eyes. He stared at his reflection for a while, noting the huge bags and dark circles. His sallow complexion didn't help either. Eight hours of sleep in the past three days might have something to do with that.

 

Three days. It had only been three days, and it already felt like an eternity. Every time he closed his eyes he heard Beckett's voice cut off by the explosion. He didn't know where Biro had found the strength to identify the remains, but the DNA tests had confirmed it was him. Rodney had packed Carson's belongings, spoken a few words at the memorial, and helped carry his best friend's body through the gate back to Earth.

 

Now, he was here, in Scotland, in a strange hotel after an incredibly long flight from Colorado. He was going to see Carson's mother in the morning to deliver the news, and he had no idea how he was going to do it. The others that had carried the casket through the gate would bring it once the funeral details were set.  Radek and Sheppard had both offered to come with him, but he had turned them down. He couldn't stand the thought of being so exposed in front of them.

 

Rodney sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. This was so unfair. To lose the only best friend he'd ever had to an accident and a dodged fishing trip. He flipped on the TV but immediately turned it off as a Scottish accent blared. He was a wreck and knew he would only get worse when he met Carson's family. He'd never felt so alone in his life.

 

He lay back on the bed and tried to distract himself with physics equations and a little quantum theory. When that didn't work, he tried a trick he'd learned as a child. He mentally withdrew inside himself as far as he could, erecting walls so the arrows would bounce off. But it didn't work anymore. He had allowed people in: Sheppard, Ronon, Teyla, Elizabeth, Zelenka, Katie, Carson. He had let himself care about them and about what they thought of him. The walls had come crashing down, and he didn't know how to rebuild them and wasn't sure he really wanted to if he could.

 

He stared at the ceiling until sunlight peeked around the corners of the heavy draperies. After a shower and shave, he ate the breakfast delivered by room service and read through a couple of theoretical physics proofs that had been recently published. After reading the same paragraph four times, he abandoned the proofs and stared out the window until he thought the hour was decent enough to call upon Mrs. Beckett. He knotted his tie and was looking for his jacket when there was a knock at his door.

 

He pushed back his irritation at the interruption and opened the door. His jaw dropped, and he blinked in amazement, drawing in a shaky breath at the sight of his sister. He could see the tears pool in her eyes and spill down her cheeks as they stared at each other. She stepped forward, placed her hands on each side of his face and kissed his forehead.

 

"Oh, Mer," she whispered.

 

The simple act of affection that had been repeated so many times during childhood was his undoing. He wrapped his arms around her, pressed his face into her shoulder and sobbed.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Rodney didn't know how long they stood in the doorway like that, Jeanie rocking back and forth and stroking the back of his neck as he released the emotions he'd held inside for far too long. He grieved for lost friends and lost opportunities, feeling the unbearable pressure in his chest slowly dissipate. Finally, he pulled away and stared at her as she wiped the tears first from his face and then from her own.

 

"What are you doing here? How could you possibly- Sheppard. Sheppard called you, didn't he? It's the only way you could have known where I was."

 

She looped her arm through his and guided him back inside the room, closing the door. "Yes, he did. He said Carson had been killed, and you were here, alone, to deliver the news to his mother. I caught the first flight out, hoping I'd catch you in time."

 

He sat on the bed as she paused to find a tissue and a chair. "Why?"

 

"Why what?"

 

"Why would you fly all the way over here? The funeral won't be for a couple of days, and you barely knew Carson."

 

She rolled her eyes. "I didn't fly over here for Carson, you lunkhead. I flew over here for you. First of all, you don't need to be alone, and John said you wouldn't let him or Radek accompany you. Secondly, you're terrible at dealing with people in general, but especially emotional women. Lastly, because you're my brother and that's what families do."

 

Rodney tried to process her words, but his mind refused to function properly. He stared blindly at her for a minute until his brain caught up. "Wait, you said you hoped you'd catch me in time. In time for what?"

 

"In time to go with you."

 

"I'm sorry. It must be sleep deprivation or something because I'm just not following. Go with me where?"

 

"To Mrs. Beckett's, of course. I'm not going to let you do this by yourself, Meredith."

 

He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and stared at his hands. He couldn't believe she had left everything on a moment's notice and flew to Scotland just so he would have someone to go with him. He wasn't good at expressing sentiment. Sarcasm, yes. Disdain, absolutely. But gratitude was slightly beyond him.

 

"Um, I, well, that is I- Thanks. Thank you for coming."

 

She smiled at him. "You're welcome, Mer."

 

"How are Madison and Kane?"

 

"Kaleb. Madison and Kaleb are fine."

 

"Kaleb, that's right. Sorry." _What was it with him and names?_  


 

Jeanie shook her head with a small laugh. "It's OK, Mer. Are you ready?"

 

He didn't think he'd ever really be ready, but he nodded anyway. She straightened his tie and helped him with his jacket. The elevator deposited them in the lobby, and the doorman had a taxi waiting.

 

The ride out to the countryside was quiet as Jeanie took in the sights and Rodney got lost in memories. He wondered where his sister had gotten her compassionate nature. It was definitely not a McKay family trait, but she had been nurturing even as a child. He never knew where she'd picked up that kiss-the-forehead bit, certainly not from their mother, but it was Jeanie's answer to everything bad that had ever happened to him.

 

They'd only really had each other as kids. Their parents were too busy building careers or arguing to bother with them. They had expected him as the oldest to take care of Jeanie, to make sure she had food to eat and clothes to wear. He'd grown resentful of it over the years, eventually taking it out on her. She, in turn, took every opportunity to rat him out. But before that, they had been close, truly close.

 

Rodney had told her about the torment of the bullies, his dreams of being a great concert pianist or a firefighter, how scared he was when their parents shouted at each other.  She returned the favor, sharing her desire to have one Christmas where everyone was happy, how the other girls at preschool had teased her about her clothes, how scared she was when their parents shouted at him.

 

Every time he thought he'd reached the end of his rope, she'd place her hands on his face, kiss his forehead, whisper "Oh, Mer," and then throw her little girl arms around his neck, hugging him close. And that had made everything better. But then, he gave up the piano and turned to science as his father had wished, burying himself in the coldness and exactness of the theorems and equations.

 

The pressure he put on himself to prove his worth to his dad created a strain that was almost unmanageable when the burden of caring for Jeanie was included. As his teenage years hit, he pushed everyone away, immersing himself in the one thing that made sense to him. He left his sister to her own devices, and she turned on him. The wedge between them grew to such a point that they rarely spoke, and the shouting match that ensued the day she gave up her own scientific studies for a family carved a chasm so deep that he didn't know how to cross it.

 

He glanced over at her, shame burning his face. _How could he have been so stupid?_ None of it had been her fault. He could blame the early stages of their rift to bad parents and puberty, but he had no excuse for how he'd acted as an adult. _How many times had he thought about calling her, going to see her, sending a message only to convince himself that she wouldn't want to have anything to do with him?_ And to think it only took a child's train bridge and fingerpaints, and a trip to another galaxy, to begin the repairs on the relationship.

 

He had visited while he had been assigned to Area 51 during the oh-so-brief return of the Ancients to Atlantis. He sent messages, and she sent care packages including some very interesting cookies his niece had made. They had settled into a comfortable sibling relationship, at least what he thought one might look like. But never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined that she'd fly half way around the world to help him do the hardest thing he'd ever done. Yet here she was.

 

The taxi came to a stop, and the driver opened Jeanie's door. Rodney dug in his pocket for the fare and stood staring at the small white house until he felt his sister's hand in his. He took a deep breath and climbed the few steps to the door. She squeezed his hand as he rang the bell. When the door opened, he gripped her hand tightly as Carson's eyes looked at him from a small woman's face.

 

"May I help you?" she asked in the familiar musical lilt.

 

"Are you Mrs. Beckett?" McKay could barely speak over the lump in his throat.

 

"Yes, I am. And you are?"

 

"My name is Rodney McKay, and this is my sister, Jeanie."

 

The older woman's face lit up at his name. "Dr. McKay! Why, I should have recognized you. My Carson mentions you often in his communiqués. You look just like he described. But he isn't here. He's, well, he's wherever it is that you've been working." She tried to peer over his shoulder. "Did he come home with you?"

 

This was so much harder than Rodney had ever thought possible. He struggled to control the trembling and felt Jeanie's grip tighten. He had no idea how he was ever going to thank Sheppard for calling her. He took a shuddering breath and swallowed hard.

 

"May we come in?"

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

McKay had never been so glad to have his sister present. She did everything that he would never have thought of doing. She held Mrs. Beckett while she cried as Rodney stumbled through the unclassified version of Carson's death. Then Jeanie made tea and called the woman's oldest daughter who lived nearby.

 

Over the next few hours the house filled with family and friends. Carson's four sisters arrived first with children in tow. Neighbors, cousins and seemingly all of the townsfolk dropped by to offer a word of comfort, a favorite memory, a bite to eat. Rodney's claustrophobia grew with each new person that arrived, but he wanted, needed, to do this for Carson. Mrs. Beckett was waiting for her youngest to arrive so they could plan the funeral. Once they had some details, he could take his leave under the auspices of sending the information to those who would be bringing the body.

 

Rodney sat quietly in a chair in the corner, observing the gathering. _So this is what a real family is like, even in grief_. He caught sight of Jeanie across the room, entertaining some of the children as the adults consoled each other. He had told Katie that horrible day that seeing Jeanie so happy had made him want to get married. Watching Carson's family together only reinforced that opinion. He had never realized what he'd been missing until now. As he considered that, he discovered it wasn't entirely true. He first began to realize it on Atlantis when the oddest group of people adopted him. 

 

Their faces flashed in his mind's eye: Sheppard laughing as he tossed McKay off the balcony to test that personal shield; Teyla's delight as she sampled popcorn for the first time; Ronon's grin and hug when the effects of that DNA manipulation machine were reversed; Elizabeth's fit of giggles when Rodney had replaced her normal screensaver with headshots of the IOA members on bodies that were in rather compromising positions; Radek's look of mischief as he snuck McKay a piece of chocolate cake during his last stint in the infirmary; Katie's joy as he brought her chicken soup when she had the flu; Carson leading the most awful version of "Happy Birthday" he'd ever heard.

 

He could still hear the warbling as the front door opened, and his best friend walked in. Rodney almost fainted from shock until choruses of "Sean!" sounded around the room. The man was the spitting image of Carson. Jeanie must have recognized it too because she rose quickly from her spot and pulled him from the house into the cold sea air.

 

"Breathe, Mer," she said as she rubbed his back.

 

"God, Jeanie, I don't think I can do this."

 

"Yes, you can. You can do anything."

 

"I used to think so," he mumbled.

 

She smiled gently at him. "You've changed, Meredith, even from the last time I saw you. I can see it in your face and read it in your emails. You're a lot stronger than you think you are."

 

Rodney bit back his typical sarcasm and tried for a normal conversation. "Really?"

 

"Yes, I do. You always have been; you just didn't know it."

 

"I don't see it."

 

"Do you remember when I was seven and Ricky Fremont tried to steal my lunch?"

 

"I remember him breaking my arm."

 

"Why did he break it?"

 

"What?"

 

"Why did he break your arm?"

 

"Because I tried to get your lunch back." Rodney couldn't figure out where this was going.

 

"Exactly Meredith. You didn't stand there and let him do it. You stood up for me. And in case you've forgotten, you broke his nose. And got my lunch back."

 

A small smile broke out on his face. "You're right. I had forgotten about that. Wish I had a picture of that to show Sheppard and Ronon. They'd never believe it."

 

"You admire them, don't you?"

 

"What's there to admire?  Just because Ronon survived seven years alone while the Wraith hunted him or because Sheppard looked a Wraith in the eye while it fed on him? Hell, Teyla took one on with a pair of sticks once. I've always made fun of military types, Jean, but these people…. I'm nothing like them."

 

"No, you aren't."  At his quick glance, she continued, "And they are nothing like you. Each of you has your own strengths. You don't have to be a trained soldier to be brave, Mer. I've seen a little of what you do. It took incredible courage for you to just step through the gate. Don't underestimate yourself or them. They trust you with their lives."

 

He grew still at her words. "So did Carson."

 

"Tell me what really happened."

 

And he did. He told every single despicable thing he'd done to avoid the fishing trip and how another ridiculous device had killed several people and how Carson had died saving one of them. He stared at the ground, reciting in a low monotone the day he relived every night in his dreams.

 

When he finally got up enough courage to look at her, she was gazing off in the distance with tears again rolling down her face. She pulled out a tissue and dabbed at her eyes.

 

Swallowing thickly, she turned to face him. "Is there any way you could have known what was in that lab?"

 

"No, but-"

 

"Was there any way to know those people had those tumors?"

 

"The tests came back clear, but I-"

 

"So, regardless, they would have still been exposed and still have been dangerous to be around."

 

"Well, yes, but-"

 

"What would have happened if you'd gone fishing with Carson?"

 

"He'd still be alive, dammit! What do you think?"

 

"If you and Carson had been on the mainland fishing, who would have figured out what had happened?"

 

"What?"

 

"You just told me you and Carson were the only ones that knew about the two scientists and the device. If you had been fishing, who would have figured out what was going on? Who would have saved Teyla? Who would have prevented the second tumor from exploding in the midst of the infirmary, killing who knows how many people?"

 

At his silence, she asked one more question. "If Carson had known in advance what would happen, what would he have chosen to do?"

 

His chin dropped to his chest as the knowledge crushed him from all sides. "He would have chosen to stay on Atlantis and die trying to save them."

 

She put her arms around his shoulders. "Yes, he would have. Even I know that about Carson, and I barely knew him. He would have chosen to give his life to save the others just as I suspect you would have or John or Ronon or Teyla."

 

"I know that in my head," he whispered, "but I can't convince my heart of it. I still feel guilty for ditching him like that. I know logically the consequences if we had been on the mainland, but I can't get past the thought that my selfishness killed him."

 

She tightened her grip as his shoulders shook, murmuring comforting words in his ear. He knew Beckett would have never forgiven himself if they'd been on the mainland and people had died. He also knew that Carson wouldn't blame him. But Rodney didn't know how to stop blaming himself. Nothing like this had ever happened to him before, and he just didn't know how to deal with it.

 

He lifted his head and sniffed as Jeanie handed him a tissue. "Is it worth it?"

 

Confusion drew her brows together. "Is what worth it?"

 

"Getting close to people. Is it worth it? Because right now I'm not so sure." He pulled away from her, rubbing his arms against the cold.

 

She was quiet for a minute. "Anything worthwhile in life has risk, Meredith. You took a risk walking through the stargate and joining Colonel Sheppard's team and opening your heart to people." She tugged an arm, turning him to face her. "That's the difference between living and simply existing."

 

When he didn't answer, she cupped his chin until he met her gaze. "Now's your chance to walk away from it all, Mer. You're here on Earth. You can just not go back, leave Atlantis and your work and your friends. I'm sure Area 51 will take you back. Is that what you want?"

 

"No," he hissed. "I hated it there. I don't want to leave Atlantis. I just want the pain to stop."

 

"It will. Eventually. It's hard to lose a friend, Meredith, especially a good person like Carson."

 

  
_Good person…._ The words echoed in his head, and a flash of memory came back. He was dying from that DNA device and his friends were gathered around his bed. Elizabeth called him a good person and told him he was loved. He hadn't heard those words in so long that he questioned it, and Sheppard had concurred in an awkward, guy sort of way. 

 

But before then, he'd gotten a chance to thank Carson for all the physician had done for him. And for once, McKay had said the right thing; he'd thanked the man from the bottom of his heart and hoped Beckett understood he meant truly for everything – for saving his life numerous times, for trying to get Rodney out of his current mess, for being his friend no matter how difficult he was. And the gentle Scot who wore his heart on his sleeve had called him friend.

 

  
_Is this what they were all feeling?_ McKay had never thought of it from their perspective, but they'd had to watch him die. No wonder Sheppard had refused to discuss Rodney's funeral. He tried to imagine his life without the friends, the family, he had. Jeanie was right; it would just be existing. He had lived more in the past three years than the previous thirty combined. He mentally kicked at the remnants of the walls around his heart, determining to do more than just exist even if it meant getting hurt in the process. He would try to be a better friend to those around him although he knew he'd screw it up occasionally. He'd been Rodney McKay too long to change overnight.

 

He looked Jeanie in the eye and gave a small smile. "Have I mentioned that I'm glad you're here?"

 

She smiled back at him. "Me, too. Now, let's go back inside. It's freezing out here."

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

By the time they returned to the hotel, Rodney was emotionally drained and too tired to even think. He had called the SGC on the cab ride back to give the details of the funeral. The plane bringing Carson's body and the Atlantis contingent would arrived the next afternoon. The service would be the following day. McKay shrugged out of his jacket, loosened his tie, and immediately fell asleep. For the first time since it happened, he slept for the entire night, only waking to Jeanie's knock the next morning.

 

They spent the day talking, about life, about family, about science. And, more importantly, he listened to what she thought. He couldn't remember the last time he just sat and listened to someone else's viewpoint, without having a gun pointed at him anyway.

 

Late in the day, they met the plane at the airport. The mortuary had sent a hearse for the casket, and as Rodney watched it drive away, he felt strong hands land on each of his shoulders.

 

"You OK?" Sheppard asked quietly.

 

He nodded, afraid to trust his voice.

 

"Your airplanes are interesting," Ronon said. "Can we get some flight attendants for the jumper?"

 

McKay turned in time to see the grin the Satedan was trying to hide. "I think that's a great idea. What do you think, Colonel?"

 

John chuckled. "I think Elizabeth would throw you over the railing if you asked." At the sound of footsteps, Atlantis' military commander smiled. "It's good to see you again, Jeanie."

 

"You too, John, Ronon," she greeted as she gave both men a quick hug. "So, Ronon, what do you think of Earth so far?" The two began walking toward the cars where Zelenka, Lorne, and Cole waited, and Sheppard started to follow.

 

"Um, Colonel?" McKay had hesitated. John turned back, concern on his face.

 

"What is it, Rodney?"

 

"I wanted to say, um, God I suck at this…. I wanted to say thanks for calling Jeanie." He rattled it off as quickly as he could.

 

Only someone that knew Sheppard well would be able to see the understanding and sorrow flicking in his eyes. "You're welcome, McKay." The corner of his mouth quirked upward. "Can we go now?"

 

"Yeah."

 

The two men joined the others in the cars, and they departed for the hotel.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

The next day passed in a blur for Rodney. He knew he showered, shaved and dressed even though he didn't remember doing so. He must have eaten breakfast since he had a hazy memory of Ronon asking for one of everything on the menu. The drive to the church was quiet, each person seemingly lost in thought.

 

They sat together in a small sanctuary that was packed to the rafters. McKay looked at the sea of faces, wondering who Carson had been to them and gripping his sister's hand tightly. The priest said some kind words, and the oldest daughter spoke lovingly of the brother she had grown up with. Jeanie squeezed his hand and wiped her tears. 

 

Mrs. Beckett had asked Rodney to speak since he was the one that had known Carson best the past few years. He made his way to the front, trying to not look at the casket or the family or anything that would break him.

 

He spoke in general terms about life on Atlantis, the family they had become. He told of the man that Carson had been: compassionate, caring, helpful, funny. When he mentioned the love his staff had for him, Cole began to sob as Lorne put an arm around her, staring stoically at nothing. Ronon flinched as McKay described how Beckett had saved people, not just lives. As Radek's shoulders shook and Sheppard wiped the back of his hand across his eyes, Rodney caught Jeanie's gaze. She nodded, smiling encouragingly even as the tears rolled down her face. So he said all the things he'd never taken the time to say about what Carson meant to him. How the doctor had befriended a harsh, lonely scientist and showed him with word and deed how to be a better man. 

 

He was shaking as he returned to his seat, praying his rubbery legs would get him there. Jeanie took his hand again and leaned toward him.

 

"That was beautiful, Mer. You did good," she whispered.

 

He had no idea what happened after that. The next thing he knew the graveside service was ending. Mrs. Beckett hugged him, thanking him for his kind words. Each Beckett sibling came by to express gratitude. He did his best to look Carson's brother in the eye. He didn't know how long he stood there, but eventually Ronon's hand on the back of his neck guided him back to the car. After that, he was standing in his hotel room, tie in hand staring at the television. He collapsed on the bed, grateful that the worst week of his life was finally over.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Jeanie's flight was scheduled to leave an hour before the flight back to Colorado so they all rode to the airport together, allowing Rodney to see Jeanie to her departure area. He helped get her bags checked and walked with her to the security checkpoint. She swallowed him with a bear hug which he returned.

 

"So, what now?" she asked.

 

"Fly back to Colorado. The, um, ship should be ready to leave in a couple of days so I'll catch up on some reports until then. Then the long trek back home."

 

"Home?"

 

"Yeah, home. It's actually the first place that's ever felt like home. Does that make any sense?"

 

"It makes perfect sense, Mer. I'm glad you've found a home. I just wish it wasn't so far away."

 

"Well, we've been working a way to make it shorter."

 

"Really?"

 

"Just a bit more construction to be done. I'll visit the first chance I get."

 

Jeanie studied his face and smiled. "I'm going to hold you to that," she said softly. She placed her hands on each side of his face and kissed his forehead. "Take care, Meredith."

 

He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her close. "Thank you for coming, Jeanie. I couldn't have done this without you. Say hi to Kaleb and Madison for me."

 

"I will."

 

McKay watched until she cleared security and waved goodbye one last time and then made his way toward the private plane the SGC had provided. After boarding, he settled in his seat and pulled out the proof he kept trying to read, promptly falling asleep. He awoke somewhere over the Atlantic to the sound of Ronon snoring. He searched until he found the big man sprawled in the floor in the back of the plane. Cole was curled in one of the seats, also asleep. Lorne was up front chatting with the pilots, and Sheppard and Zelenka were locked in a vicious chess game.

 

He studied the board from a distance. He knew Radek was a shark, but the colonel seemed to be holding his own. McKay glanced up to meet Sheppard's questioning gaze. He nodded to his team leader who nodded back and moved his rook to put Zelenka's king in check, leading to a string of Czech curses.

 

Rodney chuckled under his breath. This could make for an interesting trip on the Daedalus. He took his seat and closed his eyes, contemplating where he was going to place the turtle terrarium in his quarters. He found himself actually looking forward to returning to Atlantis. He knew it would never be the same, he would never be the same, but it was home, and he had a job to do and a family to protect. Not just the wildly diverse family he had on Atlantis but the ones he had here, one in Canada and now one in Scotland. It was the least he could do. For his best friend.

 

The End.


End file.
